Hello, I am fat

Most of you who live in the Seattle area have heard of Stranger writer Lindy West. She's great, in that ridiculous, hilarious kind of way that makes her writing so addictive. I'm sure there are people in the world who don't like her writing, but I have encountered few of them.

Recently she and slightly-more-famous sex-columnist/gay-rights activist/all-around genius Dan Savage (West's boss at The Stranger) have had a public discussion (fight? argument? conversation? it's hard to say) on Slog, The Stranger's blog. Lindy accused Dan of stigmatizing fat people, Dan denied it, slog readers took up the debate. And then Lindy won. I'm sorry, Dan Savage, I think you're great, but Lindy delivered this roundhouse kick of a manifesto that simply cannot be topped. I get the impression that Savage, for all of his faults, is the type of boss who can be called out like this and still be a big enough man to admit defeat, so here's to hoping that West doesn't regret firing back this way.

Please check out West's post in it's entirety, as it is brilliant and well worth a complete read. The highlight for me, though, comes right at the opening:

This is my body (over there—see it?). I have lived in this body my whole life. I have wanted to change this body my whole life. I have never wanted anything as much as I have wanted a new body. I am aware every day that other people find my body disgusting. I always thought that some day—when I finally stop failing—I will become smaller, and when I become smaller literally everything will get better (I've heard It Gets Better)! My life can begin! I will get the clothes that I want, the job that I want, the love that I want. It will be great! Think how great it will be to buy some pants or whatever at J. Crew. Oh, man. Pants. Instead, my body stays the same.

I'm sure there are others out there (male, female, heavy, thin, whatever) who know exactly what this feels like. Who can hear these words in their own voices. Because we have always believed that once we reach that summit- of thinness, or beauty, or wealth, or success, or whatever- our Real Life can begin. I have been thinner than I am now. As an adolescent cross-country runner there were times in junior high when I was very, very thin, perhaps even unhealthily so. I have also been very heavy, (unsurprisingly these times were also when I was the most poor and the most depressed.) These days I am somewhere between where I want to be and where I am afraid I'll end up. And there are things I will NEVER be, no matter how much I diet. I will never be a small person, I will never have feminine hands or an hourglass figure. I will never have beautiful skin. I don't imagine that I will ever be a contestant for America's Next Top Model (even in the plus-sized edition) and I am not that concerned about it, to tell you the truth. (Maybe that's why I'm a blogger.)

This does not mean that I don't think I'm pretty or that I don't think I'm lovable or that I don't think men will find me attractive. I have friends with the kind of hurts-just-to-look-straight-at-it kind of beauty, the kind of billboards and magazines and celebrities, and I understand that comes with its own kind of self-doubt, its own set of challenges. What I think Lindy West does so well in her post is what Elizabeth Cady Stanton did. After Frederick Douglass delivered an eloquent rant about how women's rights needed to wait until after black men had secured the right to vote, describing the horror and brutality of slavery and its legacy, Stanton rose to her feet and said "What about black women?"

Now, to be perfectly clear, I think Stanton and Dougalss each had their failings, and each was quick to abandon the rights of the other's constituency for the sake of their own. I think that Stanton would have taken voting rights for women even if it meant only white women, and Douglass certainly demonstrated his own willingness to accept the vote for black men alone. Lindy West and Dan Savage- both of whom I admire greatly- are, like Stanton and Douglass, more ally than enemy. Like Stanton and Douglass, I suspect they would find more success united than divided. The point that Savage has missed is that his campaign against bullying gay teens speaks to exactly the kind of bullying fat (or just unconventional) girls (and boys) have experienced, too. How many gay teens are also fat? Are they supposed to believe that It Gets Better, but only if they lose enough weight to measure up to the standards of beauty assigned by people like Dan Savage?

The thing I have admired most about the It Gets Better campaign is the honest-to-goodness kindness of it all. In a world where being ironic, aloof, cynical and sarcastic is almost as necessary as being beautiful, it was so moving to see so many people take to their webcams to just say something nice. I'd really like to believe that the sentiments might be applied, not just to gay or lesbian teens, but to all of us still waiting for perfection, still waiting for our Real Lives to begin. It does get better- but not until you stop waiting for yourself to change.

Anyway, read Lindy's post. It's brilliant and beautiful and funny.


.. you know.. these posts get much more difficult to end when I'm not signing off as a letter.