O the illusion of anonymity,
O the illusion of safety,
O the illusion of escape.
Today I was discussing my job with a couple of classmates who expressed the oft-repeated sentiment that they don't understand why people return to a my store once they've been trespassed. I try to keep the humor in my voice as I remind them that a trespass, even a written, official, from-the-city, from-the-police trespass doesn't actually constitute a magical force-field that repels a person from setting foot on the property. For as long as I have been in loss prevention, I have heard this amazement from others. I love them for it, this honest, naive belief in the visceral power of the symbolic. A trespass (or a restraining order) is not just a document to these law-abiding types; they are as binding as the magic spells of books or movies.
I don't remember when, exactly, I stopped believing these things. Maybe I never did. But I have long known that telling a person to stop or to stay away does nothing. There is no magic in these words. People cannot be cast out of your life. They find you. They watch you. They read your blog. Years later, years after they should have disappeared entirely, there they are, eyes and IP addresses that I can feel as distinctly as hands upon me. This inability to control who got to be in or even witness to my life used to bother me. It used to prompt all kinds of tedious hiding and flight. Once I learned there was no running far or fast enough to get away, I learned to stand my ground.
I think this is why I work the job that I do, why I take it so seriously when I screw up or some one gets away. I'm never going to stop worrying, I'm never going to believe some one is gone for good. So, instead, I get to keep them out. I get to watch them. I get to stay calm, to stand my ground and they have to go. I do not begrudge others the illusion that this is permanent, I want to believe every time that it is.
But those eyes teach me to know better. I see you out there, looking inside. So, go ahead, try the door, it's unlocked. Just know that, these days, I'm watching you right back.
Oh, oh, oh, I a-b-s-o-l-u-t-e-l-y love this piece!!!
ReplyDeleteI have a perp as a major player in my life. And I have never stopped being vigilant ... never put down my sword as some have done.
Maybe this makes me mistrustful in general of all people in all walks of life: waiting for the real to step out of the shadows where it is hiding, always in wait. But I can be no other way.
I am ever grateful that you've got our backs (all of us that work in the same domain.) I feel safer knowing that you are out there!
Thank you.